Success can be messy, and that’s okay
LET MESS BE A PART OF YOUR SUCCESS
Live life messy and love every moment of it.
~ Ashley Smith
I started a live series, one I’ve been wanting to do for a long while.
I just didn’t start it. Then I did. And I’m loving it.
There is so so much ease!
Yeah, super NON fancy title. Just me, meeting up with you — usually live — talking to you (as if we actually together in my kitchen) about stuff.
I love the kitchen as metaphor. It’s the place of invention and disaster. It’s home to the mundane task of endless cooking for teenage boys with bottomless bellies and and the birthplace of inspiration spurred on by the constraints of limited ingredients.
And the BEST conversations happen in the kitchen.
Does anyone else find that guests seem to always congregate in the kitchen?
So… back to Kitchen Talk.
I promised myself (and my listeners) I would not clean my kitchen for you or for me ever. Because, 1) ease and 2) real life.
NO one’s kitchen is always clean. It’s not a Thing.
And, if you stopped in right now (please do!) my kitchen would be what my kitchen is e.g. somewhere along the continuum of clean and dirty.
Today, Dear One, I’m exploring the “mess” of kitchens, our lives, and what is this thing we have about always cleaning up the proverbial kitchen and displaying a perfect life (which isn’t a thing either)?
As I was thinking about upcoming live sessions I could do on Kitchen Talk, I noticed this inner mental dialogue going on about “how much mess” was enough, and if I should tidy a bit, or perhaps create more mess (and oddly wishing the fish fry mess of last week was the backdrop).
I found myself trying to create / not create / think about / wonder about my mess.
WTF?
My own inside the brain dialogue was clearly all messed up and overthinking this Kitchen Talk thing. And obvs missing the point.
Why the obsession with TIDYING our mess?
So I do understand the feeling of calm that comes with a tidy space or kitchen. A visual delight.
And I know how inner calm feels — the absence of stress and “inner mess”… a sense of feeling grounded, in the body, at ease.
So both the absence of inner and outer “mess” is a glorious thing, I do agree.
And it’s good and right to have practices that have us achieve these states.
But has our obsession with a tidy life gone too far?
And is our quest for a neat and tidy inner life one we must pretend to have especially when we don’t?
What might be worth leaving behind.
I know people, and I have done this more times than I can count, that go to great lengths to convey a perfect, “mess-free” life.
And I see in myself, my own work at keeping myself together and and giving the appearance that I’ve got my mess under control.
I’ve held beliefs that as a coach I should surely not be one who has a messy life — especially in my interior — because might I be a fraud if I did?
So much shame surrounds our mess.
So much apology.
And so much isolation and hiding.
Do you see any of this for yourself? I know I do.
There are places in life where mess is acceptable.
My mother is an artist (you should see her studio) — we accept this mess because we recognize it as part of the creative process.
As I look outside at the leaves changing color, as they start to fall on to the ground, we accept the mess of nature. In fact we recognize that in the mess of nature things decompose and create a more fertile environment.
When I cook, in my kitchen, I tend to be a bit messy — maybe because I know my husband does clean up, or maybe because I become so involved in the process. Either way, I don’t hold judgment over my way.
Children have more social room to be messy. If we see them building their Lego and it’s all over the floor, (assuming we don’t step on it) aren’t we okay with this?
In some places we understand that mess is okay.
So I’m proposing we give a think to our relationship to having messy lives.
Especially inner mess and turmoil.
Mess will be a part of a more humane world
If we want to have workplaces which embrace the whole human we will need to leave room for more and different mess.
If we want to continue to grow and evolve as women, especially giving more room to our hearts (that we often have to shut off so that others are more comfortable) it will be messy.
But without a little bit of emotional mess our hearts will have limited emotional capacity. That’s right, less room for joy — as an example.
We’ll have to let our boys cry and let that be okay.
And we’ll have to let our girls be bold and brave and loud and let this be okay.
We might have to stop our mad tidying and apologizing to friends who come over that witness our mess.
Perhaps we can tell a friend something that’s uncomfortable and not look for a solution and just be okay not knowing and being messy.
Perhaps a little mess would allow us to heal. To find ease. To find connection and a whole lot more TIME because we wouldn’t be endlessly questing for tidiness. Cleanliness sure, perfection and polish boo.
A Practice
I’m going to be looking around my kitchen and relaxing a bit about the mess. Maybe even in anticipation of a Kitchen Talk live, the excessive observation and judgment about my mess will quiet.)
So what about trying this?
For one week, each day, whenever you witness “mess” of any kind around you, smile or acknowledge it.
Drop the story that anything is wrong with mess and just let it be.
Acknowledge the laundry pile. Humans in your house happen to cloth themselves. They get dirty.
There’s no story here.
Breathe when you see your teenage son’s bathroom as he learns how to care for himself and hiss own space.
There’s no story here.
Appreciate the mess of a kitchen, and how it’s a place of creativity and care.
There’s no story here.
Notice the footprints in the hallway left by the kid that didn’t realize the floors were just cleaned. Those kids won’t be home forever.
There’s no story here.
Walk through nature and see the mess, maybe even see the decomposing piles of branches and mud. Smile.
There’s no story here.
And when I say “there’s no story here” it means that nothing is wrong. Nothing is bad. No shame can live here. No need to be embarrassed nor is there a need to apologize.
Because there’s no story here.
If it needs to be tidied it will, of that I have no doubt. Our “tidy up our mess” muscles are strong. And maybe overused.
The journey of redefining success will be messy
Life is messy.
Humans are messy.
And perhaps this week we can give ourselves to grace to be messy as we redefine and live our success, however we define it..
Yes, tidy up. Create some visual calm. Go for a nature walk to ease the stress of a long day. But do it for the love of you, not because you’re shunning mess.
To you and the messy and beautiful success you are creating!