It’s Likely This Will Happen As You Re-think Success
I.D.K. IS A THING
Photo by JOHN TOWNER on Unsplash
There is a crack in everything, that’s how the light gets in.
~ Leonard Cohen
Throwback to my first day of coach training, I was keen to learn all the things.
The instructor stood in front of us, and after her introduction shared that they were going to teach us to “not know.”
In my eager state, that little nugget was digested, but to be honest, I didn’t really know what that meant.
Looking back, I realized I didn’t get it.
Yet, over the two years of my development, I learned the importance of “not knowing,” and how it creates so much space for our client’s success to emerge.
Before then, I had never considered how my urgent need to know could get in the way of anything. But of course, not knowing, especially when you want to be of service to your client, is a terribly uncomfortable place, and in my early days of coaching when I felt my “I don’t know” (IDK) I just wanted to jump out of my discomfort and SOLVE for The Thing.
Today, as a coach, I don’t really believe my role is to “solve your thing,” rather it’s to hold space, create conditions for you to be with “your thing” and know it intimately, and to equip you with the skills you need. And I truly believe you have all the wisdom you need within you, and available to you.
In this letter, my desire is to affirm your “I don’t know” (IDK). Because, truth be told it’s vulnerable to feel you don’t have the answers to what matters to you. However, it’s actually a great thing. Heck, maybe over time you’ll start to say “Welcome IDK” or even throw a party because IDK is powerful.
Because, if you’re re-thinking success, you’ll come across some IDKs. Not to mention if you’re living in this world there is ample evidence of things going off the rails, and personally I often feel my IDK-what-are-the-solutions this mess. But I do believe that in the midst of our collective IDKs will emerge new answers and new ways.
What we learn
In so many places in our lives we’ve been told to have the answers or to find the answers. And not just any answer, the RIGHT answers. So when we don’t have them, it feels like defeat.
There are few places in our lives where curiosity is revered.
So it’s no wonder that when I meet with women curious about working together that they feel awkward about their own IDKs and often they’ve got a bit of shame…. as if they should know.
Nope. I love their IDKs. Because a woman with an IDK is ripe and ready for new.
Four kinds of IDK
These are the main versions of “I don’t know” that I’ve come upon in conversations about new expressions of success. This isn’t an exhaustive list — but these are the themes.
Hands up if you’ve felt any of these.
1) I don’t know… WHY I’m feeling this way
If life just doesn’t hold the juice it once did, even though almost everything in your life on the surface feels like it should , a woman will experience feelings ranging from confused, unsure, frustrated, helpless, hopeless….
The feelings and the circumstances don’t align generating uncomfortable emotions.
This one often pairs with “IDK how to make these feelings go away.”
2) I don’t know… WHAT is wrong with me
With a boatload of uncomfortable emotions and an overall sense of discontent, there can be loads of self-judgment. And shame. The self you once knew who did know it all doesn’t. There is a sense of being off center.
3) I don’t know… WHAT I want
Part of the challenge is because we’d make changes if we knew what we wanted. But we don’t. We might have clues or hints, but those next steps aren’t apparent.
4) I don’t know… WHAT to do
We aren’t taught to be with our IDK therefore we feel no way forward. Stuck. Ashamed. Spinning our wheels.
Why it’s worth having IDKs
While IDK is not easy nor fun, mainly because we don’t have experience being with IDK, it’s just a great thing. Yeah, you might not agree with me there yet — I know it took me a long time to get there, but honestly it’s so freeing to be able to feel like you don’t have to solve for all the things on command.
Because solutions always do emerge if you give them some breathing room.
Here is what I’ve learned about why IDKs are great.
1) IDK is the birthplace of curiosity.
When we give room to not know, we leave more room for curiosity and wonder. And when we’re curious we can notice new things.
2) It leaves space for new patterns and possibilities to emerge.
When we stop trying to patch up our mental cracks and give room for the holes and gaps we can access a new view. As Einstein said: “We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them.” If you want new possibilities you’ll have to step out of your old thinking.
3) It’s a sign of growth and expansion.
Growth, and our literal expansion means that old constructs will dissolve or break. It’s okay to declare an IDK, it’s a sign new learning is emerging and trying to push through the old.
4) It leaves room for connection and collaboration.
Being with a friend in your IDK — especially the friends that can be with your IDK is vulnerable and sticky. Together you can explore and hang out in the space, it’s not about needing to have the answer.
What to DO when IDK shows up.
I’ll be the first to admit that an IDK is sometimes uncomfortable. And an IDK what should I do next in my life is a way trickier than IDK what to cook for dinner.
Still, resist “doing” anything if you can, at least for a minute. Try your hand at a practice below to be in that in between.
Walk. Help the body find softness and gentle movement especially as the feels emerge.
Breathe. Imagine your breath nourishing the new found openness in your thinking.
Meditate. Surrender the IDK.
Connect. Reach out to that friend who can hold you and your IDKs.
My hope is that your own personal IDKs will birth gifts of insight and possibility where before it felt like there were none. Because you do have the wisdom you need to be with your own unsolved IDKs.
Of this I am sure — success is redefining herself in our world, and it will happen through us even if we don’t quite know how.