The True Cost of Wanting It All

CAN WE REALLY HAVE IT ALL?

Photo by Chance Anderson on Unsplash

You can have it all. You just can’t have it all at once.
~ Oprah Winfrey

In this article I offer my perspective on a statement made by a smart, accomplished woman that I know: “I guess I want it all — work life balance AND a job that is going to challenge and stimulate me… is there such a thing?”

This statement is also a question. It’s a question that slows our pursuit of what we want, because, maybe it’s “unrealistic” to expect more. This question challenges the female psyche, seeds doubt and plants “realism”. It’s the question that tells us to “just be grateful for what we have” and to settle in and be happy where we are. It’s agenda reminds us to not be selfish or over-indulgent.

JOB #1: EXPOSE THE DOUBT

The first best thing you can do it expose the doubt beneath the surface. I do it here so you can do it for you. Notice how doubt keep you in place, managing the reserves of your energy and keeping your version of success at bay.

Tell me Brave One, do you ever hear this nagging question — the one that asks “Can I really have it all?” Because to ask “if” you can have it all suggests that maybe you cannot.

Face this question square on. We live in a world that operates from scarcity and trade-offs. Pro/con. Risk/benefit. Expense/liability. Every single thing we choose has a counter-balancing price. We’re encouraged to pursue what we want and accept sacrifice as the cost.

IT’S TIME TO MOVE BEYOND EITHER/ OR THINKING

Either/ or thinking says you can have X or Y, but not both.

This way of thinking says to my friend, it’s either a challenging job OR work life balance…. you can either have meaningful work OR wealth, a “big” job OR a family.

It tells women who opt “for it all” to suck up the risk and accept their sacrifices as part and parcel of their choices.

There are still too many women accepting the “costs” of their choices, because of either/ or thinking.

We have to stop swallowing the bitter pill of sacrifice.

START NOTICING THE PREVALENCE OF THIS EITHER/ OR THINKING

I’ll be clear, my goal is to de-stabilize and highlight the limitations of this way of thinking. Until we see the scarcity beneath it, it will nag you and get in the way of redefining success.

What costs do you believe you have to pay to have the success you imagine? What will you have to give up? Time? Energy? Deeper connection with your kids or partner? Self care? Hobbies? Creativity and play? Do you see how everywhere we look we have to choose either this or that?

Success cannot feel really good — it has to come with a cost.

THERE IS AN ALTERNATIVE WAY OF THINKING

What I’m not going to tell is that there aren’t costs to redefining success. They just aren’t what we’re told.

The new way I’m sharing is not based on either/or thinking, it’s based on both/and thinking.

This is the way of thinking that says to my dear friend — yes, you can have a challenging job and work life balance. Both are important and both are possible. Both/and thinking may feel odd because we’ve learned these to pit our desires against one another.

MY VISION FOR WOMEN

My vision is to help women claim their version of success. It seems, women naturally hold more things as important — they want challenging work and work-life balance. They want to make money and have lots of free time. So, if you’re up for redefining success, then gather all your dear sweet dreams up and let them know they can be included.

It’s okay to set down either/or thinking and be open to more.

What follows is a practice. A way to explore this new way of thinking that says “yes” to more.

This practice has a cost. It’s a cost born from choosing a new way of relating to what’s possible. And I assure you this practice will also bear you new fruit. Fruit that is luscious and juicy.

A PRACTICE: MARINATE IN DESIRE

The pervasive belief of either/ or requires we accept some sacrifices and some trade-offs, and this requirement also means we have to temper our desire.

It’s a bit of a survival thing isn’t it? To keep our desire at bay means we won’t feel the loss if we can’t have what we want. But it also means we cannot feel the deep sense of joy and satisfaction that comes with it.

Desire will have to activated if you want to truly lean into your version of success. And with it, the permission to feel fully into what you want, including what it will feel like to not have it “all”, or to have it and maybe even lose it.

Don’t underestimate the challenge of marinating in desire.

To fully feel, is to welcome all the discomforts of life — it’s to yield to a full spectrum of emotions.

It means feeling the depths of sadness or disappointment or “failure” and to feel the fullest joys of each and every accomplishment. It’s to feel the tenderness of your kiddo’s tears, and the passion of messy intimacy with your partner. The whole gamut of feels must come online.

Feeling fully has a cost to us, however. We’re taught to put our feelings away in oh-so-many settings, to be “professional” or to calm down. Feelings are inefficient and slow things down. This practice asks us to relax out of the practice of dehumanization.

Can you open your heart up to what you want?

Just like meat or vegetables or food has to marinate to take on the full flavor, so do we need to marinate and embrace our desires.

THE COSTS OF THIS PRACTICE:

• Feelings are messy, unknown terrain. We don’t learn ways to be with them in school (my boys hold in sadness when injured at school). This is akin to beginning with A,B,C’s with your emotional fluency.

• We have very little experience seeing how desire makes the difference. This isn’t law of attraction my friends, there is still work to be done in going for what we want. It will take time to trust having your heart in mix.

• There are endless environments, people, expectations on us that say to contain our feels. You’ll need to find particular places and people who can do this with you and encourage you to feel fully.

THE GIFTS OF THIS PRACTICE:

• Feelings are some of the best clues pointing to what you want and need. They hold an insane amount of intelligence that should you invite them along, you’ll be able to access.

• A body relaxed into desire, is a relaxed body. Stress lowers. All the happy hormones (dopamine, serotonin, oxytocin, endorphins) show up for the win.

• As our capacity to be with emotions grows, we enjoy a particular kind of resilience that allows room for all the feels. No more disconnecting from the uncomfortable parts of life, no more numbing, hiding, avoiding.

DO YOU WANT A SWEETER MORE SATISFYING VERSION OF SUCCESS?

To begin marinating in desire is an important element of redefining success. I hope it will inspire you to feel for what matters to you.

p.s. A big thank you to the lovely woman who shared her musings with me. I hope this perspective encouraged you to opt into wanting it all.