How To Release Comparison

PRACTICES TO RINSE THE RESIDUE OF COMPARISON

Photo by Leanna Cushman on Unsplash

A flower does not think of competing to the flower next to it, it just blooms.
~ Zen Shin

This article is for the Brave Women bumping up against the pain of comparison as they travel their journey of re-defining success. In our social world with lives on display, it can happen so easily where we find ourselves comparing our life reel against someone else's.

This article offers a way to release comparison when it arises. Not if it arises, rather when. We need strategies to tuck into the pocket for these tricky times.

Comparison doesn’t just vanish, it doesn’t obey commands to leave. The pain we might feel can easily be triggered. So where does this leave us?

While we cannot eliminate the hurt we feel, we can learn how to support ourselves when it arises. This is what helps us release suffering. My hope is these strategies will be available for when you need them.

1. Acknowledge that comparison exists

Brave One, comparison might not be a thing for you. If that’s the case you might be one of the .00000000000001% for whom comparison never surfaces. Count yourself damn lucky.

Since part of the journey of redefining success involves defining what matters for you, by its nature you will have expressions of success different than another. Including those who are close to you. Not everyone is going to think your version of success is sexy & awesome.

2. Know your triggers

By design, all humans are more “triggerable” under stress, which includes all the day to day conditions of being hungry or tired etc. So gently get to know how your own state affects you and what conditions awaken comparison.

Then, there is the stimulus and content that can cause you to compare yourself to another. We know social media is triggering. We each have people and situations that can trigger us. Everyone has their own list of triggers. For some it may be seeing how much freedom a woman has in her business, for another, it’s seeing how organized a woman’s house always is or…. Knowing these is not petty, it is a act of self care. Comparison can sometimes be avoided by knowing ourselves.

3. Be responsible with yourself

Brave One, your triggers are your triggers. My boys like to blame each other when they’re triggered by the other, but sadly it doesn’t work that way. (Not to mention that siblings intuitively know how to trigger each other!) You may be triggered by something or someone else, but you alone have to do the work of knowing what gets under your skin or into your heart.

This #truthbomb is far from a cozy fact to curl up with. But this also means we get to decide how we’re going to care for ourselves when we’re triggered by comparison. While mostly I’m surprised by comparison, sometimes I have a sense it might show up so I pre-plan ways to care for myself in these situations.

There are also social accounts or content that I start following in one moment that in another are triggering for me. So I unfollow them in the moment. It’s just not worth the experience of comparison when I see it’s been awakened.

4. Step back and out

If you’re being triggered by comparison, do what you can to create some distance for yourself. It might mean setting your phone down and giving Instagram a “time out” for the day, or mad dashing to the washroom to catch a moment to breathe. It might mean leaving the house and going for a walk.

Find your ways of creating separateness from the situation. Give yourself the space that helps you feel safe in the moment.

5. Rinse the residue

All triggers are powerful because they affect our entire self; emotional, mentally, physically, spiritually; our sense of self gets hijacked. To see this is to recognize that the residue of a triggering exchange or incident (even if it happened well in the past), can linger, its pain can hang out with us for hours or days.

What does it mean to “rinse the residue”? It means to acknowledge your body is carrying around the experience of what’s happened and to find your ways of helping your body move through / out of the moment.

My own preferred / go-to ways of rinsing include going for a long(er) walk in the forest, yoga, strength training, and dancing to my 80’s tunes on Spotify. You’ll have your own. The idea is to offer yourself a somatic experience that your body can fully engage in. Our bodies need their own support to process things (just as journaling might help your mind or heart process something).

Note that rinsing is the work of body so invite your precious mind to take a break. Stressed minds like to over-think so give your mind release by reminding it that more thinking is not the way forward!

And you may have to rinse a few times…

6. Re-anchor into what matters to you

It takes “muscle” to do this practice… it’s not easy! So I want to encourage you to know what you can reconnect to as a way to close this practice. Re-anchoring requires a conscious stepping away from what’s triggered you or hurt you and a conscious move towards something you know deeply matters to you now. Re-anchoring is balm for a spirit wounded by comparison.

For my dear client, she made a conscious move back towards a very specific emotion and way of living that matters to her. For another, it’s a return to a mantra or affirmation. I have a few objects that symbolize New Ways I’m learning that deeply matter to me right now; I keep these close. Sometimes re-anchoring includes connecting with own coach who knows what matters to me; she keep me on my solid ground.

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I’ve had a few brush ups with comparison lately. And it’s these steps I take each time to help me move through it.

The gift of comparison is that it has taught me to take conscious, mindful steps back to what matters each and every time. Anyone that does any form resistance training knows that muscles strengthen with use, and like this practice, while it may feel hard and tender to take each and every step, it will over time, flow a little differently.

I urge you to employ all the compassion with this practices. Be gentle with yourself. The journey of redefining success is a rich and sometimes raw one.

p.s. I love the quote at the top of this article, and I also want to acknowledge that flowers don’t contend with the same struggles that humans do. Susan xo